“Without dialogue, there is no sex,” says couples therapist Roy Zur, owner of the innovative Israeli psychotherapy institute Derek Hakeshah. In a studio meeting with him, he talked about the difference between falling in love.
“Falling in love and love itself are often seen in a hierarchy when falling in love is a younger feeling and love is considered more mature,” he says. I disagree, I think it’s important to look at the parallel and symmetrical relationship between these two terms.”
Roi explains that the falling in love stage can take anywhere from six months to two years. This stage almost always involves an overcoming of euphoria. In euphoria, the partner’s shortcomings are masked by the willpower that forms a connection with that person. If so, a veil of ignorance.
“It’s often said that love is blind, but it’s not. The blindness is falling in love. But that stage ends at some point, and then the real work begins.”
But it doesn’t have to be a difficult experience. According to Roi, you can combine the everyday reality of love with the youthful vigor of falling in love. “That doesn’t mean you’re living in an illusion,” he says. It’s like talking and explaining to each other how you felt when you saw it.
“In other words, don’t let day-to-day reality obscure why you found each other in the first place. Couples who don’t know how to play are unlikely to maintain their connection for long…”
Roi also addressed the issue of gradual loss of passion as the relationship lengthened. increase.”
Marital fights are common, but Roy says it’s actually an emotional trade-off. “Hate is not the opposite of love,” he says. “Indifference. Hate can actually be an expression of love, because either way, it’s the intense emotion you feel for your partner. You’re very frustrated with them and hate and to project expressions of aggression to free yourself from that negative feeling and regain a sense of love.”
Roi talks about how aggression doesn’t have to be forcefully projected. Sometimes couples show their aggressive side by showing nothing. The fact that they ignore each other speaks volumes. In many ways, a quiet approach to aggression can be a far more destructive relationship than extroverted expressions of anger or resentment.
This can extend to more advanced stages of the relationship as well. With someone you’ve been with for years, and when the kids are all grown up and leave the house, when you’re alone with two people who didn’t develop the ability to speak, you don’t feel a strong bond They are faced with the undesirable reality of living. It becomes the primary mode of communication.
“That being said, giving hints in a relationship is difficult because it is naturally very complex, but perhaps the most important principle is to cultivate self-development and incorporate that self-development into relationships. .You contribute.
“We like to talk about the other person, but couples therapy is often about ourselves. Look inward. You have to be strong enough to admit fault. What is love? , some might say, to be able to get off your high horse and let go of your resentment, to strengthen the bond you share with your partner.”
Roi also talks about the importance of cultivating passions of the mental and emotional kind, not strictly sexual. There is a strong sense of shared emotion, and when you view your relationship through the same prism, it intensifies the sense of intimacy you share.
When asked about porn and how it affects relationships, Roy said it depends on whether it comes in addition to frequent intercourse or replaces it. As long as it’s a playful addition, it doesn’t matter. Some people use it because they feel it and it prompted them to turn to porn.
Perhaps the most important tip for maintaining a relationship is to avoid letting the occasional feeling of emptiness we all share become the bludgeon you use to attack the other side. Conflicts that we will ever face.
“It’s natural to bring some kind of desire into a relationship that you wish your partner could provide, but don’t let it become the focus of your bond because it has a corrosive effect. are busy pleasing us in ways they’ve never been before? Are they ignoring us?
“When we sense these changes, corrosive effects begin to set in and a course correction is required.”